Why did I write it down? In order to remember, of course, but exactly what was it I wanted to remember? How much of it actually happened? Did any of it? Why do I keep a notebook at all? It is easy to deceive oneself on all those scores.
The text is not a diary, although you are welcome to read it as such. The 'him' or 'her' is never the same. You're probably in 'him' or 'her' too.
The project is a series of vignettes, of events, of feelings, of affections based on a trigger of the day. The trigger can be an event, or a word, or a conversation. Instead of writing about what happened in a ‘truthful’ way, I write around it with a lens of an imaginary optimism that follows Lauren Berlant's astute concept of cruel optimism.
I believe that our childhood memories get re-articulated into affective transmissions rather than actual events that happened. I remember when I was in my early 20s I tried to convince my mom I was a year younger than I was, and that the hospital made a mistake and she blocked the memory because it was too traumatic for her. I have been doing this since I was young. I re-make memories to evoke reactions in others and in myself. Cinema is truth 24 frames a second? Cinema is a lie 24 frames a second? I am cinema.
I always had trouble distinguishing between what happened and what merely might have happened, but I remain unconvinced that the distinction, for my purposes, matters.